Reviving Olivia
by Survivor88
Summary: With each new day new hopes are born. {COMPLETE}
1. So A Journey Begins

I've had this idea in my brain for awhile and figured I'd give it a go. It's nothing special, maybe a one-shot, maybe not we'll see.

Tell me what you think!

BTW: I'm workin on the next chapter for Holes, it'll be up soon.

* * *

Sun splashed through the holes in the leaves of the trees along the sidewalk as people walked to and from destinations in the warm weather.

Detective Olivia Benson was among the sun-drenched crowd.

She removed her sunglasses as her destination came in to sight, with a relaxed stride she entered a building for foster kids in need of mentors, "Saving Graces" was the name.

"Hi, I'm-"

"Detective Benson, I know", a middle-age woman smiled warmly in greeting. "You're friend Detective Stabler called and said to expect you around this time."

Olivia smiled back, "And you can call me Olivia. Dr. Huang, our precinct psychiatrist thought this would be a therapuetic deal for me, now who'll I be mentoring?"

Behind the desk the woman, Ms. Saltorn, gathered a folder up from her desk and walked around.

"I understand you've been thoroughly investigated and approved for this so we can head back."

The two women walked on past the metal detectors and through the double doors in to the back of the facility. Kid's of all ages ran around while others talked with adults or played games. Brightly colored walls added comfort to the sometimes difficult atmosphere, a series of doors ran down a side hall, Olivia and Ms. Saltorn stopped in front of the first door.

Going in to the room there was a window looking in to a bedroom, a teenager lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.

"What's all this?" Olivia asked curiously.

"We have a watch system for high-risk kids so we need the revolving window like you have at the precinct house." Ms. Saltorn informed her.

"This is Camilla Angelesa, she's 15. Poor kid's been to hell and back, she's under surveillance because of her latest and last visit to Satan."

Olivia turned a quizzical gaze from the girl to the social worker.

"Cammie is the product of a rape, her father was never apprehended either and she has a difficult time dealing with that reality. Her mother, CJ, is a junkie. Cam arrived here about five years ago undernourished and badly beaten. We got her counseling and tried to help her in every way possible, it worked for awhile until her mother showed up...."

Ms. Saltorn trailed off unsure of how to continue.

"I take it her mother was clean and wanted her back.." it was more a statement than a question. Olivia felt a switch in her body flip when the social worker said 'product of rape and her mother's a junkie.'

The social worker nodded, "In this system we have an, I believe damaging, three- strikes program."

"And what's that?" Olivia asked.

"Parents get to have their kids back once, if they screw up that's strike one. Somehow they clean up in one way or another and get their kids back a second time, then strike two and then three. Most parents go through strike one until reality sinks in and they get their acts together for good."

Silence filled the room as Olivia watched Cammie practically burn a hole in the ceiling with her emotionless, penetrating stare.

"And Cammie is back after strike three..."

"Yep. Every time has been a little different, but the same too; beatings, drugs, and neglect."

Liv was growing weary just listening to this, but she knew it was for her own good and that Cammie really needed someone.... someone who might just understand.

As if reading the detectives thoughts Ms. Saltorn continued, "Cammie's had about 10 mentors in four years. No one can get through to her and they become frustrated and give up, more people letting her down unfortunately."

Wanting to speed the process up she asked "Can I go in yet?"

"One last thing, from your persona I can tell your special, but good luck anyway."

With an encouraging, hopeful smile Ms. Saltorn handed Olivia the folder and exited the room

so Olivia took a deep breath and entered Cammie's room.

"Hi Cammie"

"Who're you?" the child kept her gaze away from Olivia's.

"My name's Detective Olivia Benson. You can call me Olivia, or Liv is fine too."

Inside Olivia felt her heart go out to the teen, she wanted so badly to help Cammie, she just hoped she'd be allowed to.

"Oh yeah they told me. You're just another mentor."

"I wanna be your friend, someone you can talk to, someone you can have fun with. I'd like to be able to help you in any way I can, if you'll let me. My boss also won't let me back to work full time if we don't do this." Liv tried the joke method.

Cammie set her jaw stubbornly and sat up to turn her clouded eye's to Liv's, "Whatever."

"I also believe we can help each other" Olivia whispered.......

* * *

If it sucked tell me, if you have words of wisdom tell me....... just gimme somethin. Thanks! 


	2. Who Knows?

Sorry it's taken me awhile to update but we're having our house renovated so it's total chaos, anyway I'm really thankful for the reviews so per- your- requests here is chapter two.

I'm almost done with Holes also, the last two chapters will be up ASAP. Anyway enjoy!

BTW: I don't own anything except what doesn't exist on the show.

* * *

"And how would we do that?", was the return.

To that Olivia didn't have an answer, not yet anyway.

In silence Olivia and Cammie occupied their own space, until Olivia tried to break it again.

"You know the cieling's gonna burst in to flames if you stare at it any harder", she spoke with some humor to lighten the tension.

Cammie stayed silent still, "What kind of things do you like to do?" Olivia dived back in. The girl shrugged, "Paint, Jog in the park". Finally the child was opening up even if it was only to this small point.

"Me too, although I'm not a very artistic person. What about movies?"

"Action, some comedy, romance comedies too."

Olivia nodded in agreement.

"What about your friends?"

"What friends?" Cammie sneered bitterly. Olivia realized she was now treading on gaurded territory.

"You know, friends from school, around here", Olivia took a seat at the desk next to the window overlooking the back courtyard. Kid's gamboled around under the watchful eyes of the home's staff.

Cammie was quiet, she sat up to reach for the pad and pencil on her nightstand. In her eyes Olivia saw only two things, emptiness and distance.

Sighing Olivia stood, she and Cammie weren't going to get farther today so Olivia pulled out her card, one of the ones that had her home, cell, and pager numbers on it.

"Cammie I want you to call me if you want to talk more or need anything. I'll see you tomorrow", Olivia placed the card on the nightstand. Before she left she reached down to rub Cammie's shoulder and then Olivia did leave.

* * *

A white glow stretched through the window playing against the objects in the apartment.

Liv yawned wide. She was tired, but sleep wouldn't come easily. Events of the day rewound and played countless times in Olivia's memory.

She saw so much of herself in Cammie. The distance was, perhaps, the emotion they would have had most in common. Now, twenty or so years later, Olivia allowed herself to get close and at the same time disassociate.

"I don't want Cammie to have to go through all those years," Liv spoke aloud, more to relieve her congested psyche than to talk to herself.

Her mother suddenly invaded, the smell of Serena's drunken stench filtering in in place of a face or voice.

This was the memory of her mother Liv had left and, no doubt the similar memory Cam would have of CJ.

Snuggling deeper in to the mound of blankets already covering her, Olivia closed her eyes and exhaled, trying to slow her mind. Usually deep breathing worked to calm her heart and clear out the debris littering her brain.

'Just my luck!', the phone ringing startled Liv from her process.

Groaning inwardly she hit the TALK button.

"Benson", Liv answered.

"Hey", Elliot's voice came through, "how'd it go today?".

She smiled faintly before answering, "It went, it's going to be a challenge, but I think we can work."

"Who're you mentoring?" Elliot wondered

"A teenage girl... she's a lot like me..." Olivia let her voice fade to silence.

In his partners voice El could hear the uncertainty, he knew her better than anyone...

"What's up?" he used his 'give it up' voice.

"Nothing!" Too quick and too abrupt of a response, she knew.

"'Livia."

"I'm just... it's... I see so much of me in Cammie and, I don't know but it's all compressing on me", there she'd said it.

Elliot's end of the phone was rested, he was waiting for her to continue.

"Cammie's circumstances are pretty much identical to mine except that her mother's a junkie and Cam is in foster care. I want to help this kid so much but she's so closed off, when I catch her gaze all there is is a void. I'm just so unsure", Liv explained to Elliot.

There was still nothing from the other end of the phone over in Queens.

"El?"

"If there's one thing out of many that I'v come to know about you all these years is that you sit with something until you feel it's appropriate to act. What I'm saying is follow your instincts", Elliot hoped Olivia understood what he just said.

She sighed on her end, he could hear the evident exhaustion contained in that simple act.

"I have faith in you. Now I gotta go, we'll talk tomorrow?"

"OK, yea. Night El. And thanks."

"Anytime. Night Liv."

They each hung up their phones then. Olivia lay back to contemplate what her partner had said, she did and didn't get it.

As sleep brought her eyelids down Liv still hadn't much clarity, but was thankful nonetheless that her body relented.

'Tomorrow, they'd figure it out tomorrow', was the detectives last full thought before darkness overrode her senses...

* * *

TBC? Oh and thanks to all you guys who are reviewing! it's encouraging. 


	3. Busted Stuff

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile but I had the other fics to write and stuff, but here is the latest - read, review and enjoy!

Thanks to those who have reviewed so far as well!

* * *

'Follow your instincts, follow your instincts...' 

Over and over again that mantra played while Olivia got ready to go out the next morning. In

her grasp was a box full of movies and books she figured Cammie might enjoy

Deep at the bottom was a journal Liv had kept years ago, perhaps it would be a looking glass for Cammie to venture in to.

Warm, thick wind swept throught the narrow streets and clouds hung heavy in the sky, thunder rumbled low signaling the beginning of a spring storm. Liv drove deftly through the avenues and streets she knew so well and Saving Graces came in to view among the many muddy colored brick structures that adorned the urban jungle.

"Morning, Ms. Saltorn" Liv greeted when she walked in.

"Morning Olivia, and please call me Karelyn. Cammie's in her room watching TV and drawing."

Liv smiled and proceeded in to the living area of the home.

She walked in to the "watchroom" and looked through the window. Cammie was curled up against an overstuffed pillow drawing, the TV was in a corner displaying a show on the Travel Channel.

The window was a good item to have, Olivia thought. It allowed her to observe Cammie when the teen didn't know it.

In her eyes was still the darkness, the mistrust swimming amid mysterious emotions. Today, right now Liv could see life in Cammie's almost violet-colored eyes, her sight taking in whatever it was she was sketching.

Summoning up her whole character Liv rapped her knuckle on the door before entering.

"Hey Cammie", she smiled and walked to the desk depositing her stuff.

"Hi", well at least Liv was getting a response.

"How're you doing?"

Cammie sighed discreetly, but didn't go on.

"I brought some movies that I thought we'd watch together and some books I figured might interest you." She left out the journal, Cammie could discover that on her own.

Capping the ultra-fine sharpie and flipping her portfolio closed she slid the stuff under her bed.

"What kindsa movies?" Cammie asked.

"A few comedies, some romance, and a lot of action."

Olivia sat on the desk chair and waited while Cammie looked through the selection. She pulled out two specific movies, "_Ms. Congeniality_" and "_Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood_".

"Which one first?" Cammie inquired.

"Uh _Ya-Ya Sisterhood_", Liv answered.

Cammie slid it from it's case and popped it in to the VCR of her TV.

Olivia moved to the floor, leaning her back against Cammie's bed. Cammie lay back on her bed with her notebook and pen.

The opening credits began...

* * *

_"I have to save my babies!"_

_"No Momma, no!" _

Sidda's cries come through the screen sometime later, both Liv and Cam watching although Olivia had seen the movie innumerable times she still looked intent.

Liv had to close her eyes as Ashley Judd's character Vivi started to whip her kids with the belt.

Instead Liv looked up nonchalantly at the person sitting above her.

Cammie was looking down at the notebook in front of her, her eyes were squeezed shut and her hand trembled as she tried to write.

"Cam?" Liv whispered.

Swallowing back sobs Cammie opened her eyes to reveal unshed tears, she blinked several times but didn't speak. Slowly one tear escaped before the teen could force it back, inside that dark place she didn't ever allow anyone in to.

She swiped fiercely at the stray and gulped, "I'm fine".

Olivia inched her way on to the bed, she paused the movie before laying a hand on Cammie's shoulder. The girl shrugged it off and bounced off of the bed, she walked out the door so Liv followed her.

"Cammie where ya goin?" Liv caught up.

"Bathroom, leave me alone" Cammie walked in and shut the door.

One little girl wandered the woman's way, away from her playmates down the hall.

"Hi" she greeted, shyly tugging on the bottom of Liv's t-shirt. "Hi, my name's Olivia, what's yours?"

"Candace, but you can call me Ace. Whatsa matter with Cam now? She OK?" Ace sounded distinctly worried about her older friend.

"What'd you mean by 'now'?"

Ace shrugged and answered, "Wull sometimes Cammie goes in to the bathroom and

doesn't come out for a long time. When she does she looks like a ghost and sometimes she has red stains on the sleeves of her shirt."

Olivia didn't like what she heard, Cammie was self-mutilating and she didn't know what else the girl might be doing to herself.

"I think she's gonna be OK, I'll take care of her."

"OK" Ace wrapped her arms around Liv's hips in a hug. She smiled as the little girl walked back to her friends.

Turning to the door Liv knocked with some force, "Cammie, are you OK in there?", she recieved no answer.

"Cammie, come on. We don't have to talk, we can finish the movie or watch a different one."

The knob turned and Cammie opened the door, she didn't appear all right at all. Her skin was a shade of pale pink and yellow, her eyes lifeless, and her arms folded across her chest to hide the blood stained fabric.

Liv was startled, no only by her appearance but that it had changed so abruptly.

They walked back to Cammie's room without words. Cammie resumed her spot on the bed while Olivia took the desk chair. Leaving the movie still paused Liv pulled her chair to the side of the bed and leaned forward.

"Please talk to me", Olivia whispered softly, encouragingly.

Cam shook her head ever so much. She reached for the remote but Liv grabbed it before she did.

"Not now", it was a barely heard response but one nonetheless.

Sighing, not exasperatedly, Olivia relented. They turned back to the movie, the violent scene had ended...

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Reviews, reviews, reviews! I live on them - ) 


	4. Running Is Better At Night

Well, I had ideas lined up and I figured I'd update since people are wanting me to update more and faster, lol. So I present ch.4 and as always much love for my loyal reviewers.

* * *

Wind whistled and blew through the leaves rustling the branches on the hulking trees. There was no light and no guide, for Olivia knew her route well even under the blanket of night. 

Her breathing was steady, rythmic, in time with the slapping of her sneakers on the hard soil.

Central Park was mostly dead at this time of night. That was how Liv preferred it.

No one wanted to stop and chat, it was relieving.

The burn in Liv's calves felt comforting, empowering, and in some aspects clarifying.

She'd left Saving Graces ill at ease. Cammie hadn't talked, she wasn't ready and Olivia presumed she was still gauging whether she could place even an ounce of trust in someone she'd known less than 72 hours.

When Liv had left she'd made Cammie promise not to harm herself and that if she had any inkling to do so that Cammie was to call her no matter what. Olivia had, in turn, promised not to tell anyone at Saving Graces about it. That was their bargain. Yet Liv didn't really feel any better.

Elliot had left a message to call him when she got around to it. She wasn't ready to talk, not until she got her thoughts under control and in a logical order.

Stopping when a cramp developed in her side Liv sat down against a tree trunk.

Sweat burned her eyes and her breathing had become labored, of course she'd been running nonstop for almost 90 minutes, a record for her.

"What the hell do I do?"

Nothing made much sense lately. She felt like a broken record.

Cammies pale complexion, her haggard appearance and those distant violet eyes mingled with the images of herself at 15, 25, and 30.

Only one thing seemed at all certain, it was that Liv knew she had to help Cammie, she needed to help Cammie see that she was worth every ounce of frustration. The teenager needed to see that Liv would be the one person who wouldn't give up on her, who wouldn't ever abandon her.

Inside, deep in that crevice of herself that she was uneasy with Liv knew she had to dig in to her own thoughts and feelings, to face what she was afraid of.

It would take so much... but if it meant helping someone else then it would be worth the difficulties she knew she couldn't circumvent herself.

A vibrating sensation rippled at Olivia's hip, she checked her watch. 1245am. Taking her cell from it's clip she checked the number.

Stretching quickly Liv set off at a dead run.

* * *

I'm sorry it's so short but I needed a filler chapter. Anyway I love getting reviews! Go on, you know what to do -)... 


	5. Fallen Facade's

Hey all, kind of left ya with a hanger as to who called Liv, well here's your chance to find out.

Loves from me to my loyal reviewers!

* * *

Every fiber in Liv's every nerve ending screamed at her to stop, take a breath, and collect herself. 

She just kept running headlong, not giving the wear and tear of her muscles any recognition.

Not bothering with the elevator she took the stairs two and three at a time until she got to her floor, then her front door where she fumbled for her keys and then shoved each one in to the correct lock before throwing the door open and rushing to the answering machine.

Rapidly the red light blinked like a beacon in the darkness.

Liv pressed her finger down and waited for the voice to come through.

_You have 3 new messages._

_Yesterday 5:47 PM:_

_"Hey Li-"_

She already here that message so it was deleted.

_Message deleted._

_Yesterday 8:48 PM:_

_"Hey, me again. I guess your getting dinner or out for a jog, uh when you get this gimme a call. Bye."_

_Today 12:43 AM:_

_"Hi Olivia, it's Karelyn Saltorn. I can't imagine where you'd be at this hour, but I do apologize for phoning so late. Please call me as soon as you get this. Thank you."_

_End of messages._

Elliot sounded conflicted in his message,'I'll call him soon' Liv thought. Karelyn's message, however, was unsettling.

The woman's voice held anxiety and urgency, Liv's mind reeled with what could be wrong. She reached for the phone and punched in the numbers then waited as it rang.

"Hullo?", a tired voice answered.

"Hi Karelyn, it's Olivia."

"Oh thanks for returning my call, I'm sorry I called so late," the social worker spoke in an apologetic tone yet again.

"It's no problem, I was just out on a run. My cell tells me when messages are left here at home so when I saw it was "Saving Graces," I rushed back. What's up?" Liv knew she was rambling but she couldn't help it, she was nervous.

Sighing Ms. Saltorn began her spiel, "Cammie really needs you, I can tell. I found the card you gave her with all these numbers. She told me that you said it was all right to call if the need arose."

Her voice broke.

"She's not really talking and she didn't ask me to call, but I really think she needs you. Tonight if possible."

Olivia could tell that Karelyn had struggled with whether to call or not and her tone said she was tired and steadily losing her patience.

"I can come soon, just um, just let me shower and I'll be over as soon as I can, OK?"

"Thanks."

The line disconnected.

Liv literally tore her clothes from her body and dropped them haphazardly to the floor on her way to the bathroom. Getting the water hot she stepped under the spray flinching at the temperature before growing used to it.

The shower was quick. Liv rubbed a fluffy blue towel over herself and went to get dressed. Finding a pair of panties and bra she dressed then slipped in to an NYPD T-shirt and her track pants.

Fluffing her hair, grabbing her keys and purse, and leaving the apartment in total disarray Liv rushed down and outside to where she'd left her car.

* * *

Olivia channel-surfed the radio, but not before seeing what time it was, 3:00am. Yawning wide it amazed her how she'd kept this pace all these years. 

Several times Liv blinked to wake herself up.

Inside of Saving Graces a fresh mug of strong coffee was thrust at her which she gratefully accepted by taking a big swig.

"Cammie's in her room sitting up in bed. She's been withdrawn since you left, I don't know what flipped this switch and I'm concerned."

With a sad, sleepy smile Liv reached out to put her hand on Karelyn's upper arm, "I'll let ya know."

Her legs felt heavy with exhaustion and strain, she needed to get off her feet. Again Olivia tried to ignore the weighted feeling about her body, before she realized it she was standing at the two-way window.

Cammie sat with her knees drawn to herself, arms wrapped around her shins, chin resting on the tops of her knees. Her eyelids were drifting up and down drowsily, despite this they contained an expression, more expression than Liv had seen yet.

Rubbing her hands over her face Liv summoned all of her strength and peered inside the bedroom so as not to startle the girl.

"Hi Cammie" Olivia walked totally in and shut the door. Cammie gave no indication that she would respond to Liv's presence.

Slowly Liv made her way to the bed and lowered herself down to the comfortable mattress.

She tried to peer at Cammie's face, but it had been turned downcast. Reaching out with her fingertips Liv helped the girls chin up. The face that greeted her was pained and uncertain and frightened.

Olivia searched the teenagers face, her eyes betraying her feelings this time. Cammie didn't move, she felt like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, paralyzed by an invisible force. This was because the Cammie that sat on the bed in the predawn hours wasn't the Cammie who had withdrawn inside herself.

Cammie was wavering between giving it up and locking it all back inside. Each act pulled at her until she felt like she might break.

With the woman's eyes so full of concern and caring Cammie leapt from the platform she'd always planted her feet on. And she allowed her shoulders to convulse and mingle with her deep sobs.

"Shh. I'm here."

Liv caught Cammie as she fell forward, her forehead met Liv's shoulder. The tears began to drip into the navy blue fabric of the NYPD T-shirt.

Arms encircled her in a comforting embrace, one hand rubbing her back in slow, massaging motions. This was the feeling Cammie had always longed for, what she'd wanted from her own mother and what her own mother couldn't provide.

Catching in her throat she choked on a sob for she suddenly realized she was no longer protected by the facade she'd worked so hard to construct. Embarassment and frustration weedled their way in to her face making it even more rosy from crying.

"I'm sorry", she pulled away and turned her face to the wall.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for. Um, might I ask what brought this on?" Liv ventured.

More silence, Liv feared that she was putting her walls back up. Then a shrug and a sniffle.

In truth Cammie wasn't sure and now she felt ridiculous. She'd known Olivia less than a week and here she was letting her safety net fall away when she'd never done that for anyone else, so why now? Why with this woman?

"Why'd you come back today? Why are you here tonight?"

Liv had to strain to hear her whispered questions.

This was the moment of truth, when Liv opened herself up and offered out what she could of the parts of her Cammie needed desperately.

"In truth, it's partly because of my job, because of what I see it was determined that I needed a break. The other part is because I understand the feelings you have, I see me in you and I know that you need someone who you can relate to."

Her explanation was met with a skeptical look.

"Yea, right. I don't believe that you could possibly understand how I feel."

Liv guessed now was the time to explain her past and who she was. After a sigh Olivia looked in to the teen's eyes, "Maybe if I tell you my past it'll open new doors, so here goes..."

* * *

Well there's chapter 5 for you all- review, review, review! Thanks : -) 


	6. Grey Street

Olivia POV:

I'm Manhattan born to and raised by my teenage mother. Serena was 19 when I was born and for as far back as I can remember it's always been just us.

I constantly asked why I didn't have a dad. Did he not love us? Did he even know about me? And as always my mother would tell me that she'd explain when I was older.

Then again she said that when she could speak coherently.

Not once did my mother come home at night totally sober, usually she stumbled in to our cramped apartment late at night. Sometimes she brought a barmate home, they'd come in pressed against each other not caring that I was there.

I can't count the times I'd get a black eye from having the crap kicked out of me.

Quickly, I learned to care for myself and for her; I cared for us both.

Over the years I kept on asking about my dad, until one day my mother arrived home, sober for the first time in almost a month and we went out. She treated me to dinner at an upscale restaurant and then we walked around Central Park and rode in a horse-drawn carriage.

I made her tell me what was really going on, because I knew something was up; she hadn't had even a sip of anything alcoholic since we started the evening.

We sat on a bench after the carriage ride and Serena put her arm around me pulling me closer than we'd been in quite sometime. She said she felt I was old enough to know the truth about my father. Silence faded in then.

I waited.

A single tear slipped down her cheek and I grew alarmed.

She told me, flat out, 'The man who is your father raped me, that's how you came to be'.

My 13 year old body tensed and I wrenched myself from her grip. Then I ran.

My mother didn't follow.

Out of breath when I came to the lake I stopped and the tears came.

I was a child borne from a violent act; I was a child of rape.

From that realization I began to understand why my mother was drunk on a daily basis. She was terrible at handling what had happened to her. What's more is that she had a living, breathing reminder of it every single day. Often I didn't hear I love you, now I knew why.

It was then that I began to close myself off from everyone and crawl deep inside myself when comfort was needed.

Serena drank more and more, she was around less and less.

School was both my refuge and my prison. Kid's taunted me because my mother had shown up once, drunk off of her ass, and yelling for me.

Why CPS never got involved, I'll never know.

Anger. Guilt. Hurt.

I used those feelings as a shield against anyone. Mostly I focused my energies on getting strong, I knew what I wanted to do.

No one bothered with me, so I bothered with no one.

So often I wanted to end it all... but I knew that that would be taking the easy way out. It would mean being my mother. I refused to accept that.

Always in defense mode I moved through high school and college until I got into the police academy where my character rocketed me towards where I am now.

It took my partner's advice and neverending support to get me here.

My mom died of her own disease, she was drunk, she fell down some subway stairs. I don't know if I've ever dealt with any of the emotions I've buried for so many years...

But I do not want you to go through life as I have... that's why I'm doing this, that's why I'm here...

* * *

The first rays of dawn were peeking from below the city skyline. Liv was tired, she'd had another large mug of coffee. 

And she'd just opened up herself to a stranger, a child.


	7. Crush

Every emotion of uncertainty lapped at Liv's senses. Cammie remained silent, her eyes traveling in circles around the room not wanting to make their final destination. Meeting this older womans eyes.

In the respirations Liv took Cammie could read her efforts. She could tell that Olivia had never quite put these thoughts in to context before.

This was true.

Elliot knew these bits without them needing words so Liv hadn't needed to verbalize what she contained in her skull.

Now Liv felt exposed. Naked. Open.

She knew that her story had opened wounds of Cammie's that had scabbed over but had not healed, wouldn't heal but be more like growths that grew until something burst them.

"I need to make a phone call, I'll be back in a few minutes."

Olivia reached over to squeeze Cammie's shoulder, a silent message sent.

Taking a shuddery sigh when Liv had gone Cammie looked around the room again. Biting her lower lip she squeezed her eyes shut, instinctively forcing the tears away. This time her body would not fight the pain and memories. As if in slow motion Cam felt herself surrender to all she had battled against time after time.

In one heaving sob the child broke.

Habit told her to curl herself in to the smallest human ball possible, but this time old habits died. Cammie's being shook with originally restrained emotion and she couldn't stand to be lying down this time. Angrily, she scrambled off of the bed to run around the small room tearing at all that she possessed, materially and emotionally. Some driving force sent her speeding down a winding path. Nothing could extinguish this fury now.

* * *

"...OK... Yea... I'll, uh, I'll call you later... Bye" 

Olivia rubbed at her eyes tiredly.

Elliot's words to her minutes before offered support and understanding, he was concerned but, for once, not pressing. He'd made her promise to call him later. She would hold to that promise because she knew she might need someone to listen and perhaps she'd allow herself to lean on him.

Ever thoughtful Karelyn had left two bags on the main desk, their names scribbled on the paper and exuding the scent of warm comfort food.

Taking the bags and scribbling her own note Liv went back to Cammie's room.

Explosive, furious sounds emanated out of the girls room when Liv walked in to the two-way area.

"Oh my God."

Dropping the bags on a side table Liv went back inside the bedroom, Cammie didn't seem to care that she was there this time.

"Cammie" Liv spoke loudly, she was trying to get her attention focused from destruction.

Aware of the teenagers anger Liv moved in on her with quick reflexes. Her strong arms pinnedher arms gently yet firmly to her sides, of course the girl fought now.

"Cammie, honey stop!" Olivia worked to get her attention.

The salty tears traveled continually down past her cheeks wetting her neck. Cammie grumbled and fought with all the defensive instinct inside of her small frame. Liv held tight never quieting her raised, yet comforting tone of voice.

When it had seemed Cam's energy was spent Liv brought herself and Cammie to the floor. Like a small child Camilla now curled in to Olivia's lap and burrowed her face in to Olivia's chest seeming to do anything to gaurd against what could be in the light.

"Shhh, I'm here. Cammie it's gonna be OK, I'm here."

Sobbing further she clutched at Liv's shirt, her sleeves sliding down when she did so. Liv saw where that blood had come from yesterday; cuts, some old and many new, ran up and down Cammie's slender arms.

This time Cammie didn't try to hide her self-inflicted wounds, nor the ones she acquired over the years that were not her doing. Not her fault.

Now the sun was beginning it's accent in to the morning sky.

Never letting go of the quaking figure in her lap Liv shifted, kissed the top of Cammie's head, and began stroking her hair with one hand.


	8. Angels and Demons

I am very appreciative and encouraged by the reviews I recieve so keep'em coming and I'll give you all more to devour.

* * *

As pre-dawn drifted in to dawn and further in to morning sleep overcame the two lying on the bedroom floor. 

Olivia's hand never left the spot between Camilla's shoulderblades; Cammie's grip never softened on Livs t-shirt, instead she snuggled closer.

Karelyn had been by once to check, the food abandoned just outside the door, and the bedroom looking as if a tornado had picked everything up and dropped it back down in the wrong spots.

All was presumably peaceful, however a storm brewed within the depths of darkness. It threatened to overtake the calm aura at any moment and the monsters of ones dreams would escape to wreak havoc until the battle was fought and the war almost won.

_"You are USELESS! I hate you, why the hell did I ever want to keep you!"_

_The child shivered, her mother angry as ever and higher than Mount Everest._

_"Mommy, I'm sorry. I'll...I'll be good just please..." she cried desperately, her four and half foot nine year old frame quivered and she felt her bladder begin to weaken._

_Some frightening nerve broke when the shivering registered in the woman's brain and she charged at her daughter. "I'll show you!" she screamed._

_Having learned early the small girl ran for the bathroom, she shoved the door closed and locked it._

_Tears of embarassment spilt over and warmth spread down the little girls legs, she looked at the counter top where the substance was contained inside what looked like balloons._

_This was her job. How she earned her keep. _

_Forgetting that the bathroom door lock was broken she turned to the mirror, the door opened, her mother stormed in, and struggled to pin the child to the floor. _

_"I told you I'd show you", she smiled meanly as her daughter cried out in pain, the packing beginning. "NOOO MOMMY!"..._

Sudden movement startled Liv from her sleep, she went for her gun before it became clear to her where she was and what was happening.

Cammie was crying out desperately for safety. In her sleep, the monsters that lived in her dreams.

"Cammie, sweetheart wake up, wake up Cammie!"

Liv rubbed her hand between Cam's shoulderblades to stir her. Instantly Cammie's head shot up, her arms flailed and she dove back in to fight mode. Now Cammie thrashed around in an effort to break free of Liv's calming embrace.

"Cammie stop! It's OK" Olivia had to shout.

"N-n-n-nooo" the tears were soaking Cammie's face and neck.

Shaking her shoulders w/ a greater force Liv managed to wake Cam from her haunted dreams that now left behind a weak, shivering teenage girl.

She looked in to Liv's cocoa brown eyes and began to get her bearing with reality.

"Cammie, it's OK. It's Liv and you're safe with me." she soothed.

Back in to Liv's arms Cammie collapsed, sweat mingled with the tears and her breathing was ragged. In the morning light Liv saw the lighter scars of past wounds both emotional and physical.

"Talk to me."

"I can-can't, please don't."

"Catch your breath and please, talk to me."

Stroking her hair Liv pulled Cammie's lightweight body further in to her lap to the point where the petite girl was almost sitting.

Furiously Cam swiped at her face and neck with the sleeve of her nightshirt. She knew she needed to calm herself down yet what had happened moments before brought further gasps for air on. Now it was her turn she knew, for the first time, to open up and let someone in before the mania of memories and scars destroyed her.

* * *

In the beginning things weren't so bad. We lived with my granma so she took care of me cause Mom was only 18 or 19 and she couldn't deal with a kid. 

I didn't know who my dad was and my mom and granma would just tell me that we didn't need him, whoever he was.

Then granma had a stroke and our team dispersed.

Once she was gone I wanted to know who'd take care of me and keep me safe. I think I was four when I asked the first time and five when I asked the second time, when gran past on.

Daddy?

He raped me, you weren't supposed to be, is what she said.

I didn't know what rape was then but I knew it was bad cause she was always unhappy and never wanted much to do with me.

After my sixth birthday the drugs started coming into our new, now very tiny apartment. I saw baggies in drawers and condom wrappers littered the coffee table. Quite often Mom would come home with some deadbeat who claimed to "love" her. They'd have sex on the couch with me in the bedroom covering my ears.

I got beat up a lot too, my teachers never asked about the black eyes or swollen limbs.

Mom started needing some way to transport or hide the drugs, so I began to earn my keep. God how that hurt!

I was 10 when the cops raided our place because a neighbor reported suspicious smells coming from our apartment, then ACS took me away and Mom went to rehab I guess.

Some kid when I first came here told me what rape was and it made me so pissed off. I wanted whoever hurt my mom to pay for it. No matter how much she hurt me somehow I still found it in me to love her, even if she didn't love me.

ACS fed me and I had to have my head shrunk.

A year or so later Mom came back. Not happy but capable.

We got a new apartment and she worked, for awhile at least.

One of her old dealers found out where we lived and wheedled Mom in to heavier drugs and I was put back to work. This time she screwed up and dealt to a plain-clothes.

I landed right back here when I was 12.

Again this place cleaned me up, but I resisted so they got all authoritative and pissed cause I didn't want to be shrinked for a second time. I just didn't want to talk and I didn't want anyone to try and fix me or the shit that was my life.

I tore apart at the seams a whole lot.

Maybe four or five months ago CJ came back. This time I didn't want to go back to her but the state had no choice cause of this bullshit three strikes program.

Art was how I expressed and relieved myself when we were together.

Now Mom didn't hold back her disdain for me, but in her own twisted way maybe she did love me.

I got dumped back here cause a teacher reported my "resistant, closed off personality" to a social worker at my high school.

Boy, did that piss me off!

Yea sure Mom had gone right back to the drugs and she tested them on me, mostly the heroin so I had track marks. How my own mother could do this shit to me I'll never know and I'm not sure I wanna either.

The social worker saw the marks and the pretty red lines I'd carved myself.

So here I am, this time it's for good. CJ got put in prison for a long freakin' time.

And I'm left to figure myself and this shit out.

* * *

Cammie sighed and fought backfresh sobs, she played with her sleeves or traced some of the nasty scars littering her wrists. 

Liv searched Cammie's tired face. The walls were gone and the clouds in Cammies violet eyes cleared. All that was left was pain and confusion and fear. What was left was a child who knew she'd been abandoned and who was afraid of what was inside her.

Suddenly it was strikingly clear of some traits these two females posessed.

Tossing caution outside the sunlit window Liv gathered Cammie, further haggard and drained, back in to her arms.

Whether placing this trust in Liv, who was previously a stranger, was smart or not Cammie had the sensation of security. Sensation seeped like molasses in to her being and for the first time in a long time Cammie actually felt.

Cammie didn't resist Liv, she was giving in and battling giving up.

* * *

Whew. Just wanted to let you guys know it might be a little while before I update cause I'm gonna be heading to look at my first college this week so savor this and I'll have more sooner or later. Loves from me to my loyal reviewers 3 - Jill 


	9. Trust Well Placed

Slowly the tears ebbed and Cammie's breathing lost its desperate, jagged edge. What was unchanging was her grip on Liv's t-shirt. It was as if she thought that letting go meant she would tumble back in to the dark chasm from which she was clawing to escape.

"It's going to be okay Cammie. I'm here and I'm not leaving you."

Still Cam shook, the demons not relinquishing their hold on her. She burrowed further in to Liv like a small child who had seen a frightening movie scene.

In a way she was.

"Shhh." Liv kept cooing and comforting in every and any way she could.

Warm sun poured in through the window, it was somewhere around 1230 Liv estimated. Her yawn matched the wide one Cammie let out then. Ever so much had her respirations returned to a normal rythm, sleep began to stake its claim.

"You can sleep now, I'm here. You're safe and I'm not going anywhere", Liv kissed Cammies forehead.

Breathing deeply the girl allowed her body to succumb to darkness once again.

Time slipped by until Cammie was inhaling and exhaling steadily, her eyes shut and body losing some of its rigidness.

Liv moved to a squated position cautiously and picked Cammie up marveling at her weightlessness. Moving to the bed she brought the covers back and placed Cammie down on the cool sheets, then she lifted the comforter over the child. Liv moved around the sleeping figure to spoon her body and drape an arm protectively over Camilla. Now Liv too let herself drift in to a dreamless doze.

* * *

Afternoon lapsed in to evening with no disruptions. Though the world continued to spin on its axle Olivia and Cammie remained in their small orb of cool, dark calm. 

Karelyn had returned several times to check on them, the annoyance and irritation of earlier replaced by relief and a level of gladness.

Elliot called yet again as had Cragen.

Elliot wasconcerned for Liv's well-being yet he knew her capabilities, perhaps better than she herself did. His message only said to call him when she woke.

Cragen wanted to check up on the fourth limb of the tree that made up his best detectives. He too left a message asking Liv to call him and offering his own personal word.

When the smells of doggie-bagged supper wafted through the air, one of Italian origin, Liv stirred. Disconnecting herself from Cammie's still slumbering person she stretched grandly with her zillionth equally extravagant yawn.

The message next to the baggie, Liv read, said: _For the two people needing comfort food- and the one who needs my own comforting words and vice versa. - Love, El._

A smile tugged at the corners of Olivia's lips.

Opening the bag she found Anti-pasto salad, a meatball sub, a piece of strawberry cheesecake, and a jumbo sized Cannoli.

In the fading light Liv searched for the overhead fan/light switch. She flicked it on and spread the meal on Cammie's desk.

"Cammie. Sweetheart we've got dinner." Liv rubbed her arm encouragingly to coax her awake. Mumbling incoherently Cammie began to slip from her own slumber when the scents and sound of Liv's voice penetrated her senses.

Brushing back Cam's hair Liv reached for the Anti-pasto figuring it would be easier on Cam's presumed weary stomach. Once she'd woken fully Liv fed her a small bite then some more.

This mothering was what the child had always been desperate for.

"Wanna see if you can stomach some dessert?"

"Sher", came a mumble.

Again opting for the kinder food Liv handed Cammie a napkin and the Cannoli.

She ingested her own wholesome meal. Unscrewing the bottled water cap next to the baggie each took a swig.

"How're you doing now?"

"I- I don't really know. Better prolly."

Liv smiled more relaxed. Cammie's tone held no piercing tone, no angered level. She was still tired and at the same time replenished.

Cammie rubbed her eyes tiredly before sliding back in to her horizontal position.

Liv cleaned up their mess.

She looked to Cam for direction. The childs expressive eyes beckoned her return. Liv went back to her spot, this time Cammie snuggled back towards her.

Another day.

Tomorrow Olivia would call Huang and Elliot and Cragen.

Right now though, it was only her and Camilla. And the blossoming night.

* * *

Now hit that little purple button : -). 


	10. In Darkness and In Light

I apologize for not updating sooner but I've had writers block and have been at least semi-busy with school and life in-general, but I am back :-). And here is another chapter.

Enjoy!

* * *

_Finally the puzzle had all of its pieces in the correct spots and his face was discernible through the thinning haze._

_"Who are you?" she tried to keep her voice steady._

_The face only made slow, taunting revolutions around her._

_Squinting her eyes she closely took in the males features._

_His lips were thin, they curled in to a sadistic smirk. Inside his teeth were yellow but with perfect teeth. His breath smelled like pot, mint, and beer. It made her sick to her stomach standing there smelling it. Moving up his nose was flattened causing him to have wide nostrils, it was like he'd been smacked in the face with a frying pan. As she continued her accent up his face his cheeks were high and hollowed where the line of his mouth was, his chin sharp and peaked. But it was his eyes that she was drawn to, they were small and round. His eyelashes were almost nonexistent. The color was rare, a deep ocean blue containing hints of crimson. And they were mean._

_Tearing herself from his gaze she repeated what she'd asked earlier._

_"You should know who I am."_

_"But how?"_

_The face only laughed._

_It was then that her body began to quiver, for he whispered almost inaudibly:_

_"Carla Jules."_

_"You...you're...I...my..." she stumbled over her words at the same time that she tripped over her own two feet searching for an escape._

_"That's right I'm-" his face spun around her faster and faster until the face becomes a blur of human colors. All the colors blend together as his face fades and she finds herself falling._

_There seems to be no end in sight; she grapples at the air searching for surface, anything with a potential grip._

_"HAHAHA...AHAH"_

_She screams._

_Those mean eyes and sickening breath return, his mouth connected to his eyes so that both are taunting her, making her come to grips with a force she cannot escape._

_Suddenly everything comes to a standstill, as if the earth has abruptly ceased to spin._

_Water engulfs her. _

_She cannot breath, yet water does not enter her lungs._

_Floor appears below her so she prepares for impact but is simply turned rightside up. Unsure of everything she turns her head right and left, she can take breaths now too. The water has emptied in to a small wading pool, cautiously she approaches. _

_"No" comes her whisper._

_A scene is playing out in the water and it is a scene she knows well._

_Eleven years old. Her mother has returned with a bag of cash, the child is playing with a friend in her new bedroom in their new apartment. They play nicely for sometime until the friend must leave because 'Mommy has business to take care of now.' So the friends mother comes only to be promptly shoved out the door with her own little one. From inside come noises, familiar yet remarkably foreign._

_"No Ma, I'm not gonna"_

_"Oh yes you damn well will" her mother shouts._

_Events of this day unravel. A desperate 911 from the friends mother. Police breaking down the door. A little girl struggling with all of her eleven years of strength and an accumulation of a dark past not yet over. _

_"Get the fuck off of me!"_

_Officer Sentile baulks at this little kids language._

_A fight ensues, certainly not the first and by far not the last..._

_"We are similar, you and I. I'm in your blood, I like to think I gave ya the good stuff."_

_His face dances now, in place of the memory, in the black water._

_"No. ... no way are we anything alike," she shakes her head fervently._

_"That's what you think little lady" his mouth grins. She realizes he is coming closer and closer until his acrid breath is at her face._

_Slowly she backs away, all the while telling him no. _

_Then she falls. The last sound before darkness is all there is is his now familiar taunting laugh..._

"And that's how it ends?"

Ever so much does she nod.

"Cammie how long have you been having this dream?" Dr. Huang wonders.

"Dream," she chuckles grimly, "more like a nightmare. I dunno awhile."

The two are sitting in a conference room off of the Homes lobby. Olivia had suggested Cammie see a psychiatrist after the two had had breakfast and cleaned themselves of the past days wear and tear.

"What do you think it means?" he asked her.

Cammie shrugged then began to fidget growing uncomfortable under his gaze. It wasn't that she disliked this guy it was simply that she didn't divulge her feelings to anyone, she knew she had trust issues, it was no secret.

"What are you afraid of? Do you think it means you could be like you father?"

A sharp intake of breath gave George the only answer he needed.

"Cammie why do you think you might be like him?"

Another shrug. "Because of all the violence. Because I don't know who the hell I am. Oh and by the way he's not my father just the bastard who raped my mom."

George could see the teenagers quickly expanding exhaustion and exasperation. 'Time to call it an hour' he thought to himself.

"Cammie you think we could meet again? You pick where and when."

The gears in Cam's head were turning, she found it difficult to make this decision, "Day after tomorrow, noontime, in Central Park, the ramble."

"OK you got it."

They parted ways.

For the first time ever Cammie found she had someone waiting for her; she walked in to Liv's open arms, she was as tired as she'd been yesterday.

"Come on, let's go to the Park."

Liv smiled, Cammie mimicking her.

It was getting better, but of course time would tell ... and at least it was a step in the correct direction or somewhere in the vicinity.


	11. Identity

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know I haven't updated in quite awhile but I've had writers block, SAT preparations, and school stuff I had to do. Since the end of my Junior year is coming the updates might be a little spaced out because I have to start doing a ton of college stuff so I'm just letting you know. Anyway read on :-)

Much love for my reviewers, especially Abbie Carmichael and Tany.

* * *

Events of the past few days have caught up with me, I can feel it in my entire being. 

Cammie is tucked safely, peacefully, under the huge new comforter I bought her when we went on a little shopping expedition last week after her second session with George.

She's doing so much better and I think she'll have a better handle on her past now.

For me that's uncertain.

I exiled my feelings to a place in the farthest corner of my mind and rarely paid attention to them unless a particular case beckoned their return.

The past few days that has occurred.

I know I helped Cammie, I know she's getting the help she finally deserves. True to my word I will not abandon her, but where do I stand here? That's the question I'm compelled to ask myself.

Elliot told me that it's not all genes. I'm still not sure I believe him.

Sometimes to help yourself you gotta help someone else first. Well, I'm doing that but how have I helped me? I'm thinking that helping myself was the point of this.

I'm not sure who I am or what demons possess me.

My mother never leaves my thoughts, always I smell that stale alcohol when she comes to torture me. It doesn't matter if I did or do love her she's still my demon ghost, the force that I cannot seem to shake.

Anger, that's what I feel when she haunts me.

Vaguely I feel the presence of whoever my father is. I feel his vulgarity, his anger and disrespect for women, for my mother.

It makes me hot with rage and darkness.

And then, in private, I sob because I feel that rage. That rage scares the hell out of me, I know Elliot feels like he's drowning because Kathy left him and took the kids and I know he has anger. Now I really know what that rage feels like. It's terror-inducing.

Sitting cross-legged on the couch in my living room with darkness devouring me I get the sensation that tears are making their way down my face.

I don't try to stop them.

Soon, after my body can't seem to produce anymore tears and my body cannot seem to withstand the strain of my shaking sobs, I lay down on my side.

I lick my lips and sniffle for a little while, a stray sob escaping every now and then.

Suddenly I feel lost and abandoned myself. All of this has rushed at me in such a short span of time and now I feel like I am suffocating.

My past has caught up with my present and I realize that after so long I've allowed the wounds of my childhood turn in to scars with no way of erasing them. All of the hurt and the anger and the confusion hasn't gone away and I'm barely treading water.

Cammie has been able to open herself up to me and let me in and help her. So why the hell can't I learn from her? She's ten times stronger than I am because she let me see her weakness, she let me bandage some of her open sores. I don't let anyone in, not even Elliot who is my best friend. George was only allowed to see the pieces of me that I let him...

That's how it is though, right? People only see what I let them and nothing more.

As I crawl through who I could be my fear grows. My breathing quickens and I feel as though I'm losing my grip with reality.

Panic sets in and I have to sit up, my eyes begin to close following my airway.

I can't stop it...

"Liv?"

Oh no, I gulp gasping for air. Elliot cannot, will not see me like this. Wait, what's he doing here anyway?

"Olivia, come on let me in. I know you're home because your car is here and you haven't called me. I'm worried about you OK, I know you need me", his voice is persistent.

He has a key, why the hell doesn't he use it?

Why does he assume I'm upset? Probably because I am and he senses it, a sort of sixth sense you develop after working so closely with someonefor so many years.

The locks and deadbolts click one after the other and the door creaks as Elliot slowly opens it. I can hear his footsteps coming toward the couch and he is in front of me.

"Liv?" he whispers.

I can't speak, I still can't breath, and the panic is still evident.

"Open your eyes and look at me, focus on me, and take slow deep breaths in through your mouth out through your nose."

Concentrating on someone other than myself alleviates a portion of the crushing weight on my chest. Gradually my breathing returns to a safe, normal level and I can see clearly without feeling as though I'm going to be sick.

"Liv now talk to me. What is going on with you?" Elliot moves from the coffee table to sit next to me on the couch.

I know he means what's going on inside of my head, not what activities I've been up to.

Surprising myself I let everything I've locked in my internal safe out, with the knowledge that Elliot won't rob me or harm me.

He listens, every now and then an almost comprehensible sigh escapes with a sad sound.

When I don't speak for awhile Elliot takes my hands in one of his and with the other he touches my chin tenderly, not as a father or divorcee, but as a best friend who wouldn't ever try to throw this bullshit back in my face.

"Liv," his voice is a pitch above a murmur, "because this concern's you so much, because you're so afraid of the terrors and because you recognize the feelings, I can reassure you that you are nothing, and I repeat, nothing, like the man who raped your mother."

He pulls me to him, my body limp and worn. "You have an identity and you know what it is."

"How do you know? How can you be sure?", my voice is hoarse from the sobbing and the panic.

"Because I know you, after six years of working so closely with you I know you. You've heard me say it before, that he hurts, you help. Sometimes helping someone means using force to stop whoever is hurting them."

Inhaling deeply I try to relax my spine and my neck. I tell myself to become like a raggedy anne doll and turn my limbs and my mind to jelly. Elliot sits with my head on his shoulder and an arm around my back. I begin to relax and succumb to the darkness with a last fleeting thought that we help each other, living in an un-named cycle...

* * *

Do I still have it or should I nix this? Lemme know :-) Thankies - love ya guys - Jill 


	12. Breaking Free

"Doctor Huang thinks it'd be a good idea if I visited my mom."

"How long has it been since you've seen her?"

Cammie and Liv were sitting in Starbucks sipping lattes and munching on a plate of snacks. Liv had gone back to work two days prior, Cammie was back to school and doing far better than she had perhaps in her entire life, or at least before her grandmothers death.

They'd just come from an appointment Cammie'd had with George.

"A while, four months maybe," Cammie took a sip of her mocha latte and looked out the window.

There was uncertainty written across the teenagers face; her eyes had become expressive, since she'd stopped plugging everything inside. Now they told Liv that Cammie was scared and unsure and, perhaps, angry.

"How do you feel about her? About going to see her?" Liv wondered, hoping that Cammie would give her an honest answer.

One thing Liv positively knew was that it didn't matter if you let someone in, if you stopped being closed off and numb, you still went on instinct and that instinct said to trust only yourself and no one else.

'Old habits die hard' Liv thought knowledgeably.

Cammie scratched her neck and shrugged, "I don't really know. I mean I was so angry at her for so long and so hurt and everything. I just don't know now. Every time I've been with her she's done something to cause me harm. Having faith that she won't this time is hard."

Pausing Cam took another sip, clearing her throat after the swallow she appeared to want to say more but instead fell quiet.

"What is it Cammie?" Liv murmured.

Averting her gaze Cammie spoke softly, "If I decide to go will you come with me? Will you stay with me and take me out if it starts to go south?"

Liv was slightly taken aback, hadn't Cammie realized that she could trust Olivia, that Liv would do her damnedest to protect her, "Of course, if you want me there I'll be there. I promise."

Wordlessly Liv reached across the table and took both of Cam's hands in her own and gave them a reassuring squeeze accompanied by a grin.

* * *

"Hi" 

Liv didn't expect an answer because she knew it would never come.

All around her the trees swayed in the warm early summer breeze, the sky a brilliant blue, the sun beaming down optimistically. Every headstone in place adorned with roses, lilacs, or carnations.

"I haven't visited in awhile I know. My life's been crazy, then again what else is new?" Liv chuckled sarcastically.

Tentatively peering around to be sure she was alone Liv sat down in the grass Indian style and placed the single white carnation she'd brought with her. Sadly smiling Liv ran her fingertips over the rough stone, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"You probably know, but I've take a young teenager under my wing. Her name's Cammie, she's fifteen... and a great deal like myself. Her mother is like you were. Except she poisoned herself and her daughter with drugs rather than vodka or bourbon."

Liv stopped, her anger was welling and preparing to expell itself.

"I'm not sure if you were ever conscious of what you were doing to us, to me and to yourself. Did you love me? Even though I was a daily reminder of your rape and the rapist did you love me? I was so desperate for your love, for your care and affection. I hid it well thought because I knew you weren't capable of those things. I knew that I was the adult, you worked but I took care of us! It hurt so badly to see you destroy yourself and it hurt so badly to not be loved, but to be criticized. The countless times your hand, or a bottle met some flesh of skin I was terrified but I somehow managed to love you. After everything I found it in me to love you! But did you love me?"

Now she was sobbing and shouting unable to harness the torrent of emotion that flowed from every part of Liv's heart and mind.

"I don't know if it matters or if you can hear me, but if you do love me then..." Liv gulped, "... then let me go, please."

Her voice had reduced to a whisper only heard if you stood right in front of Liv.

Exhausted Liv stood from the ground abruptly, she stared at the grave and slowly a breeze kicked up stray flower petals and blew them around Liv. It was a sign.

"Thank you, mom."

Liv took a deep soothing breath and walked away...and walked to her car preparing to take Cammie to face her own mother, to gain true closer, and to be released from her binds.

* * *

Driving Liv recalled the previous weekend, herself in Elliot's comforting arms, his grip tight around her weakened body. 

That night had marked a new point in their long relationship, Liv breathed deeply and smiled contentedly.

Fifteen minutes later Cammie was in the car, her face a mix of every emotion imaginable but determination prevailing.

"Ready?"

"No."

Liv nodded understandingly and began the drive to Rikers.

That noise of the car being geared in to park brought both from their imaginations, silently they exited the car and silently they headed for Rikers Island.

Cammie appeared calm and collected, however, under that fosade it was as if she was caught in a violent storm. Security searched Cammie and Liv taking her gun and badge then waived them through the heavy doors. Cammie reached for Liv's hand who grasped the teens and offered another reassuring grin.

"Cammie!"

CJ's loud voice erupted in their ears like an oncoming train.

Openning her arms CJ proceeded to sweep her child in to a hug, Cammie baulked and stepped towards Olivia.

"Well who are you?" she sneered coldly.

"Detective Olivia Benson" was all Liv would utter.

They took seats at the table, "I'm so glad to see you doll. I've missed you so much!" CJ beamed as if she should recieve an award for caring about her kid.

"Yea well. Look Mom I came here for one reason and one reason only. I came because I need to take care of me. You get to listen now and then you get to talk and then I'm leaving."

Cammie jumped right in, tossing a glance Liv's way before beginning:

"You hurt me in a way that no kid should ever be hurt. You damaged me physically and emotionally yet I still managed to find it in me to love you despite the cruelty. I took all my feelings for you and buried them but I can't anymore because it hurts too much and I won't let you burden me anymore. Do you love me? Did you even though you were harming me? Harming yourself? Well you know what I loved you. Now I'm tired of fighting all the bad stuff I feel and my love for you has waned to almost nothingness."

She stopped to take a breath then dove back in before CJ could.

"If you love me then let me go... if you love me you'll stop hurting me by giving me the only present I'll except now and that you can offer..." This time Cam was done. Her mouth was dry and she was tired.

"I...I..."

Cammie was prepared for a fight, she was prepared for anything at this point.

"I...I do love you Cammie... I... and I want you to be happy and I know I did a shitty job but you're turning out pretty damn well despite my screw-ups... it's OK, you can go now."

CJ really was letting go, she was relinquishing the suffocating grip she had on her daughter.

She was showing Cammie that she did love her.

Motioning to the gaurd CJ spoke these final words, "I love you, take care of yourself, and if you find you do want to see me or need me ever then you know how to get a hold of me. Bye Doll."

Surprised Cammie watches her mother for the last time and then allows Liv to lead her gently away.

In the car the two sit for a few minutes in silence, "She let me go", Cam whispered. A single tear trickled from the brim of her eye.

Olivia gathered her in to her arms.

They were free...


	13. Every New Day

First and foremost, I would like to thank **Abbie Carmichael** for her contant reviews- hey you're a damn great writer yourself! Next I want to thank the rest of you guys for reviewing and yes, **hpjsr **chapter 12 is like _White Oleander, _but honestly I wasn't even thinking about that movie when I typed this up. Anyway I hope you all enjoy this last chapter. Later days - at least until my next fic...

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New York City never slowed down, never allowed anyone to catch up, you just sort of had to jump right from where you'd left off and be smart enough to set off at a dead run. 

Liv went back to work after almost a month-in-a-half hiatus.

She wasn't the same when she returned, she was more sure of herself and a little more comfortable with who she was. The past couldn't be changed, but she had an affect on her future.

Coming in in the middle of the week she jumped right back in to a new SVU case and at exactly the appropriate time.

Their newest vic was a child who'd been beaten by her mother who had just been raped and was in a drunken rage. Liv carried the little girl out to the ambulance all the way reassuring the youngster. At the rig the little girl clung to Olivia and, despite her professional pull to remain at the crime scene, Liv went with the girl to the hospital, determined not to allow what had happened to her or Cammie, to happen to this little girl.

Elliot smiled in spite of the situation;his partner, his best friend, was back.

Cammie went back to school, she started getting better grades and making a friends. True to her promise Liv made sure to call at least every other day, free time was spent having lunch, going to Central Park, and spending time together.

Each woman, though both years apart in age, had found comfort in the other, and struck a new balance in life.

Liv knew she'd always question and always be wary, but she had let go.

Cam wasn't yet able to let go, still too young and still very much wounded, but she was on the right track.

_With each new sunrise new hopes are born..._

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Ta-da, there is the final chapter- I hope you all enjoyed it and I would love to hear your thoughts. ttul... BTW: Sorry it's short but it's what I came up with... :- ) 


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